Why Women Date Bad Boys by Rabbi Shmuley

Oprah Radio
January 01, 2008

Why does a guy who doesn't know how to commit, is narcissistic, self-absorbed and only concerned about himself in bed seem like a good boyfriend? Rabbi Shmuley explains why "bad boys" seem sexy, why women date them and what they should do instead.


What makes bad boys so attractive to women?

They're different. "Bad boys are interesting, they're nonconventional, they're iconoclastic and a breath of fresh air," Rabbi Shmuley says. After a woman has dated a lot of guys, they may all be a blur—then this guy comes along, and he doesn't care what anyone thinks about him, he says.

They're dynamic. Men are attracted to women's passivity, but women hate being placed in a passive state, Rabbi Shmuley says. "Women love men who bring them out by making them laugh, being dynamic and exciting," he says. "Bad boys are confident, rebellious—they just reek belief in themselves."

They need rescuing. Rabbi Shmuley says some women have a "messiah complex"—they want to be the person who can rescue the bad boy. "They think, 'Only I see he's a diamond in the rough. Everyone else sees him as a bad boy, but I know the tender heart he has,'" he says. "When you are the only one who can rescue the guy, you're special, unique. You immediately have a special relationship with him that no other woman has because only you can help him."

The women are not in it for a commitment. Some women are passive commitment-phobes, Rabbi Shmuley says. Active commitment-phobes get uncomfortable the longer a relationship goes on and start trying to find faults in order to end it. A passive commitment-phobic woman dates bad boys from the outset, thereby sabotaging the relationship so it can never develop.

What's the solution?

Consider "nice guys." "Women need to finally find goodness and kindness to be interesting," Rabbi Shmuley says. "It's not only rebellious behavior that is interesting. Nice guys deserve a shot."

Realize who bad boys really are. Bad boys don't have real confidence. "A person who's overly aggressive with their personality, who's an attention seeker—it's because they're insecure," Rabbi Shmuley says. "Really deep down, there's this broken little boy who needs to rebel or who needs to bed women to feel good about himself."

Have some self-respect. Don't be with a guy who's going to treat you like dirt, Rabbi Shmuley says. "Every doormat says 'Welcome.' You're not a doormat."

Today's Shmuleyism

"Women who love bad boys suffer from a 'messiah complex'—only I can save him, only I see that he's a diamond in the rough. Better to rescue a good man from his loneliness than a bad boy from his misogyny."