Tear stained sheets - evidence of God's goodness - Thank you Lord for delivering me from the constant ripping of my heart - every time my heart was torn a little more - hot tears were released on my pillow - my mascara that I had relied on to get myself some attention - some affection - just a small glimpse of love was now running down the tip of my nose. I searched so hard for even a hint - just a shadow - a fleeting mist of some sort of evidence that I was worthy of love. What's wrong with me? Why has this mascara washed off along with my self worth - trickling slowly on my sticky pillow? I just wanted to be loved - I just wanted to be affirmed. How could I feel more lonely with someone in the house, than I feel now - all alone?
The reality of God's continual presence is made manifest now. My pillows are dry. My heart is being sewn up, piece by piece by the gentle hand of the Holy Spirit. I no longer have to grasp the wind in hopes of affirmation. God, my Lord, my Friend has held me close every night. He has rubbed his strong hand through my hair and told me over and over how beautiful I am - No need for the mascara, the tanning bed, or the high heels. In my PJs, with crazy hair and bad breath, my Beloved Jesus still looks at me face to face and whispers so gently with all his heart:
"I love you, Nikki"
Then I became in His eyes as one who found peace.
(Song of Solomon 8:10)
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